I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
