im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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