After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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