We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
