I'm so fucking centered right now
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
