Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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