No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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