no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
