I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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