so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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