i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Just invented taco cereal.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
