I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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