so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
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she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
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I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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