I think im going to throw up on grandma
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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