i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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