I hate all girls vehemently.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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