Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I think I won the penis lottery.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
