dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
