dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
