Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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