You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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