mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
