In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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