you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Randomize
