I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
i think my cat just said my name.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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