I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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