I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
