everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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