as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
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