I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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