Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
It's blow job season.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
