Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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