peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
