I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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