everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
