You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
We need to get me chipped asap
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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