My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
