my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He told me they were just razor bumps!
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Randomize