Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
