my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
