yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.