GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
That accounts for only three of the penises
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
