I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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