if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
