To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
