my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize