If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
