I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
