I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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