i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Randomize
