She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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