I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
