My underwear smells like fireworks.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
