Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
